This is some serious sh*t
Some days are easy, literally a breeze. I just smile and feel productive and accomplished…And there are days where I’m not myself, I question myself, my identity, my teaching skills, my cooking skills, my house maintenance skills…every skill involved with being a Stay At Home Mom I question. I started reading various articles on being a SAHM and was comparing my feelings, emotions and surroundings to what I was reading and felt I was doing it all wrong. I have to be doing this ALL wrong. But then I stopped and was like, “but this isn’t the normal circumstances for being a SAHM” it really isn’t! This is the Covid-SAHM forced situation.
There wasn’t really time to prep and plan out how I would transition from working full time to becoming a SAHM. There wasn’t a specific date it would happen, marked down on the calendar. There wasn’t any consulting with other SAHMs to see how they transitioned and get tips and suggestions that might or might not help with me with the transition. Nothing was planned out! It was like boom…schools closed…boom you can’t get a sitter to come in and out with Covid…boom yo a$$ needs to stay home and make sure your little one is getting the time and attention he needs for his education and well being. It was just one shot after another, it seemed like it was a never ending dilemma.
The ripple affect of covid got us to start talking about what will be best with the pandemic shutting everything down that ended up limiting our caregiving options. During the end of the school year when the pandemic first hit, we managed with me still going to work and stepping away if I needed to walk through any assignments I might be more familiar with than my fiancé. He was doing amazing with juggling working from home and helping our boy, but it wasn’t easy and I give him a lot of credit because he managed a ton of conference calls and school on top of all the attention he was wanting since he couldn’t play with his friends.
Fast forward months later and schools still aren’t open…what the French toast! How in the needle hay are parents suppose to figure this out. We literally were stumped. No, really, we were like what the H E Double Hockey Sticks is happening?! I think a lot of us assumed we would be able to resume to normal every day after say 2 months…but now this short term family vacation turned into a family in house hostage situation with no clear vision of an end. In the beginning it was fun staying in all day and all night. We bought board games, ordered good food, baked a bunch of sweet stuff we shouldn’t have had. That was then.
Fast forward some more and now I am home, taking a break from being at work, so I can tend to our son while he’s in class and when he’s doing his work. It ain’t easy I will say that! I don’t think I personally was the type of mom that judged or really made any assumptions of SAMHs – but I will say I never gave them enough credit! Well mommas, I want to let you know, no matter what your day is like, what you may be battling in your head, what mess you have to clean (including yourselves) you are one kick a$$ momma! You have strength like no other, you push through with grace even when you don’t feel you have it.
I never realized how emotional being a SAHM could be. Of course in my head, I knew at some point I would want to transition to this, but when you are almost forced to make the decision with no planning (and I love planning) it can be a challenge. I never understood how you could feel lonely even if you weren’t alone all day until staying home. I read one blog where there was reference to a song that said “I’m never alone. I am alone all the time” and it’s so true for SAHMs in the middle of a pandemic and that hit me hard. I get it, I have felt it, I have internalized it, I have lived that same thought at some point. It’s hard to describe it when you are going through the motions and you don’t have the opportunity to speak about it and compare stories to other mommas the might be going through the same thing or have gone through it in the past.
I know there is no playbook to how a SAHM should look during unprecedented times, but it doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make the questions in my head go away, wondering if I’m doing a good job at juggling everything, it doesn’t take away my harsh self judgement, it doesn’t clear away the lonely feelings at times when I am not even alone. It’s weird, it’s not normal and I know it’s not normal. It’s not normal for me or any other mommas in the same situation. I came across another article when I was just trying to gain some more knowledge and incite on being a SAHM in a pandemic and found one on mother.ly that was incredibly refreshing with messaging that us SAHMs are not meant to do this in isolation. And that’s what it feels like at times, even when we are home with our families, we can still feel in isolation.
No matter what feelings you mommas have while going through these crazy a$$ times always remember you are not alone in those feelings. It’s a stupid cliche at times when we don’t want to hear it, but I believe it can help at when you really feel alone in this. When you feel guilty for having them, when you feel scared, when you feel like you want to cry and scream, you really aren’t alone. And another momma might be ugly crying in the bathroom the same time you are. I hope that brings at least one momma some comfort even when they don’t think they have it. I am with you mommas, ugly crying and all!
The Expressive Mom 